Ready, Set...Hit Publish!

I wrote this last night and hadn't quite gotten up the nerve to hit the Publish button. Then I read this post by my sweet friend, Letitia, today, and that gave me the courage to post this.


In spite of joking around in my last post, part of it was difficult for me to write.

As I acknowledged that I am overweight, a whole slew of emotions crept up. It's so much easier to ignore it. If I don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.

But, once I put it out there, the insecurities immediately showed up:

Bloggy friends aren't going to like me anymore.

Friends and family will be more disgusted than ever.

Yesterday, I was looking through my journal for some info on a med to which I had an adverse reaction (one that they almost gave me in the ER!). As I read through the old entries, I saw many of the same things, over and over again:

I'm in so much pain.

The different medical issues are mounting.

I can't take this anymore.

I feel like a burden as I watch Nick function as a single parent.

I feel like a failure as a wife and mother.

What struck me is that I wrote those things five years ago, and four years ago, and three years ago. And last week...

I get so caught up in the day-to-day stuff that I don't even realize how long this has been going on. I don't realize that the emotions I'm feeling today are the same ones I felt years ago.

I don't like talking about my health issues. I don't like sounding like a whiner. So, for the most part, I ignore them as much as possible.

But maybe ignoring everything isn't the solution. Because, after what I read yesterday, maybe I'm more resilient than I thought. I said that I couldn't take one more thing; I couldn't take any more pain. Well, that was two or three or even five years ago, and I am still taking it, and more.

It's easy for me to focus on my shortcomings: the times I get discouraged, become depressed, isolate, and want to give up. By far my worst shortcoming is my weight, and the fact that I use food to self-medicate. The fact that I consider myself to be addicted to carbs and sweets. The fact that I've lost and regained the weight, more than once.

I feel like a hypocrite because we have a health business. But, the truth is that I do love healthy food! The majority of the food I eat is good, healthy food; I just eat way too much of it! I think that's the reason that, at my weight and my age, I don't have high blood pressure or diabetes. I don't for a minute think that I'm exempt from those things, or any other weight-related diseases; I'm just thankful that, for today, they're not an issue.


I'm not even sure where I'm going with this, except to acknowledge that I'm hurting, physically and emotionally. And that I've been adding shame and guilt to everything else that's going on.

I'm stronger than I realized, emotionally. Physically, not so much. :) I just need to say that it's hard and that there are times that I want to give up. But, maybe if I let go of the guilt and shame, I'll be free to work on the other stuff. I can also say that I see God's hand in this and that He hasn't let me fall yet.

So, for today, I'm picking myself up, again, and fighting.

Maybe being a little gentler with myself...

And praying for some help, some answers, and some healing...

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